i am a student of graphic design, yet look at my page.  so shameful.  blank.  as blank as my mind sometimes. 

i should be doing my package project, but instead i just sit here waiting to be distracted by something.  how much work can i possibly get done between today and 2 pm tomorrow.  that's not even 12 hours anymore! holy shit where does the time go. 

so.... who would have thought that gdr would be a dangerous profession.. i could be developing carpal tunnel as we speak.  i woke up the other day and i couldn't bend my wrist.  and i had a migrane the other day too.  that was fun.  i suppose it's only bad when your time managements skills suck like mine though. 

i can say that in italian now.  "i suck",  "faccio schifo".  you suck "fai schifo".  they suck?  fanno schifo.  about about paris hilton sucks?  paris hilton fa schifo.  isn't it odd that the things people want to learn in other languages is offensive?  for one class our teacher asked us what we wanted to learn.  that was a bad idea.

ugh. ok. nap time.  vaffanculo! (heh.. jk)

i am having some bipolar moments tonight.  my anxiety is CRAZY.  i've been saying crazy alot lately. 

i have a confession to make.  i have never been able to pull an all-nighter.  well, not in college at least.  how have i been able to get away with it?  its not because i'm a good student and do all my work ahead of time.  that is certain.  oh mother.... fucker.

i have so much work to do before tomorrow.  and tuesday.  really, i just need to make to thursday, but monday and tuesday are making things really hard for me.  i'm seriously doubting whether or not i can do this.  i just need someone to tell me that it's ok.  it really helps.  no really.  it does.  so can some people just send me little text messages saying, "esther, it's ok."  please.  it would really help.

ok, tonight i have to still study for my italian test, finish my typography project... is that it?

tomorrow i have to start on my final project, finish my intro resubmissions (2), and my sketchbooks (2).  print out my final type project. 

hm, you know, that doesn't sound that bad, but i think the bipolar anxiety stems from the fact that its not that much, but i'm still not sure if i can do it.  where are my ideas?? my creativity??  do i even posess these things?  but then i keep thinking, it's not that much work...

anyway, i need to stop fucking around..

oh, so my cousin from korea is coming to los estados, so play with him! be nice to him!  i love him! he's the best! 

but then, i have another cousin.  i bet no one knew i that i have another boy cousin, but i do.  it's a secret. well no, well ireally do have another cousin, but he's just really shy and never talked to me, so i never really got to know him.  when people started to suggest that they both come together, i said no.. like a bad cousin.  and now he's going to canada.  far, far away.  i bet he hates me now.  hes going to be apart from his family, in the cold, cold... cold.   the weird thing is that i watched fargo the night before i found out.  i think its making me feel even worse.  why does william h macy always play such a pathetic charecter.  is he typecasted or what?

well anyway.. supposedly my aunt said that they should go to separate places or else they won't study or some bull like that, but i can't help but feel partially responsible.  am i a bad person?  really though, canada?  georgia is a big place... whatever..

(disclaimer: i'm bitching so if you don't want to read my complaining then go away)

my typography teacher said that if we want to get into the graphic design program we have to stand out from the crowd.  we have to be at the top of the class.  above average.  i feel screwed.  i'm devoting one more fucking year to this crappy ga state art college.  is it a waste of time? well, if i don't get into the gr-d major it will be. 

people are always asking me why i stay at state.  it shouldn't bother me, but you know what? its the way they say it.  in my head the convo goes something like.., "oh my god! why are you doing art at ga state?  doesen't that school lick my ass-crack in art?  shouldn't you go to scad where i go cause i'm better than you?"  and then i reply, "no scad bitch, because i can't afford to pay 10k per quarter cause i'm poor and i might not have any talent and then wouldn't that be such a waste!"  so as you can see i'm having some self-doubt and insecurities and i can say scad-bitch cause i know some scad bitches. ok? so if you go to scad then don't get all offended and leave nasty comments cause i'm not talking about you.

so anyway, i tried doing yesterday's crossword puzzle in the ny times and i think i completed about 50% of it, but it was with 3 other persons help so we're all failures together.  all hope is not lost however, i think that i still can be a graphic designer nonetheless.  i think that i have made a few outstanding efforts that have not gone unnoticed, but you know, i never know when i do something good and that is kind of unsettling.  most of the grading, i feel like, is a matter of opinion and i can't ever predict my grade accurately.  things that i feel are flawless i get a b.  big deal right?  but i think it's FLAWLESS.  a B, for flawlessness?  and i always think that everyones stuff is good, and what is better then who's gets very complicated.

well whatever, its late and i'm taking these stupid foreign languages and it's getting difficult to concentrate on them.  i want to take both korean and italian next semester, but i'll have way too many classes to handle i'm sure.  i decided to take only korean because, well i'm korean and i should learn my own "native" language correct?  and my HOTT italian teacher won't be teaching next semester.  

man he is so hot.  his accent is hot.  his body is hot.  his glasses are hot.  his piercing, smoldering gaze when he looks into my eyes is hot.  but in reality, having such a crush on your-phd-in-philosophy-he's-so-smart professor can be quite distracting.  or is it, disarming... no it's distracting.  there, there esther.. not a chance in hell.  he's so out of your league.  just let it go.

i'm sorry my xanga died.  it's too bad.  i used to be so into it. well connected to strangers and everything!

today i went to a lecture at the portfolio center.  a place i know no one has ever heard of to listen to chip kidd, a designer no one has ever heard of....... but he's famous and successful, i promise!  he said that every graphic designer should learn how to write.  that it is an invaluable tool.  so i shall write again.  i know how to write though.  i finished high school and everything.  writing is fun.  i can write.  right? right...

he also said that we should do crossword puzzles.  something something about thinking in a different way.  did you know that crossword puzzles are made to be easy on monday and then sequentially harder every day?  so that you have to have spoon-bending mind power ju-ju by saturday if you want to complete one?

i've tried to do one before and it sucked my invisible balls.  i felt like an uncultured idiot afterwards.  if i have to be able to do a c-word puzzle to be a graphic designer then i'm a bit frightened. 

chip kidd curses a-lot too.  he's a bit bitter as well.  and he seemed slightly stressed out on-top of that.  but he's successful.  the most successful book-jacket designer in this decade.  success=stress? yes?  i guess...